Reviewed by: Greg Mueller

Greg's Score:









Production Design






Emotional Impact



I have to start off with the caveat that all of my positive notes are related to the fact that the Polonia brothers were 18 when they made Splatter Farm and it was 1987. I have to give them credit for making a movie at 18 with the technology that existed in the 80's that had enough worth for me to be able to find on DVD in 2019. Even though there are many, many things wrong with Splatter Farm, it was made by two teenagers in two and a half months in 1987. That being said, Splatter Farm is a hilariously bad movie. It is a shining beacon of "So bad it's good" horror movies. The acting is terrible from all four characters and the script is even worse. One of the first scenes ends with a character apologizing for ruining dinner, "but I have to take a shit." They clearly didn't pay attention to what time it is supposed to be in the film, because sunlight streams through the window a night and they can walk outside after breakfast into darkness outside. It's clear that they didn't film the movie in order. There are many timeline inconsistencies and simple errors they overlook, like we see a character being dragged on his back and before he starts being dragged his face is clear and after he's drug into the barn, he's got a bloody eye with each cut, we see him be awake and aware and then the next he's unconscious, and then he's awake and moving his arms, and then he's unconscious. There are plenty of other obvious issues like that everyone is wearing the exact same clothing the entire movie. The film takes place over four or five days and every day one brother is noticeably wearing the same Viagra Falls shirt. The effects are about what you would expect from teens in the 80's, but they look terrible. But, as bad as the practical gore effects are, I think the blood is the worst. They clearly use water and food coloring for all of the blood so it is very watery and various levels or red (except the "blood" that drips from Jeremy's grocery bag, which is very thick, lumpy, and pink, like Pepto chili) and has the wrong consistency. All of the blood splatter originates from a squirt gun out of frame and just streams all around. There is a scene where a character cuts his wrist (with the knife blade almost parallel to his skin) and copious pink water flows up and away form the knife. They also are clearly using spotlights that are way too bright. A character goes outside in the middle of the night and it looks like there is a car with it's headlights pointed at the house. When they are inside the house incredibly bright lights are streaming from behind the camera. They use natural light when they can, but when they need artificial light, it's 400% too bright and clearly not from the household lamp in the corner. When they do get natural light, for some reason, people get green auras and a lot of scenes are entirely green tinted. A couple of times we get what appears to be a reflection on a pane of glass between the camera lens and the characters, like it is being filmed from behind a window, even though it obviously isn't. I'm in no way a film maker and I have no actual technical film making knowledge, so I can't explain why this happens, but I can say that it's very distracting and only partially related to their awful equipment. Absolutely everything about this film is just terrible, except maybe the directing is a D+. Again, I have to reiterate that this is a "film" by two 18 year olds in 1987 that is still available in 2019, so you kind of have to contextualize what you are watching. It is objectively a very bad movie, but I have to give the 1980's Polonia brothers credit for making a movie that clearly put their heart and souls into. They made a terrible movie, but they did make a movie. If we ignore the context, Splatter Farm really only has value as a hilariously bad movie to enjoy with friends. It isn't scary and the gore is over-the-top unrealistic to the point where it isn't even enjoyable in a Hostel/Saw kind of way. Splatter Farm is great for a bad movie night. There is one more thing that I think is totally worth mentioning because it 100% breaks the immersion and is wildly unrealistic. The house the movie takes place has a cat and two kittens and not a single character stops to pet any of them, no one even acknowledges them. One character leaves the house and they cut to an exterior shot and the cat is following behind him and he doesn't pet the cat. There is a close up of the two kittens that serves zero purpose because no cats are ever mentioned or acknowledged, so why are you showing us that there are more cats? There is no way that none of the characters could possibly not at least touch a cat the entire movie. The exploding watermelon that's supposed to be a guy's head was bad, but acceptable. Zero feline petting, is not. Pet the cat.