Review:

Guardians was Russia's attempt at The Avengers. The problem is that they do everything wrong. Instead of building up to Guardians, we just start at the team-up movie. During the Cold War, a rouge scientist plays with some human subjects. When one goes bad thirty years later, Russian SHIELD, Patriot, gathers the other four subjects to take him down. Our bad guy (Who looks like a roided out Sloth from Goonies and can control electronic things with his mind (which somehow includes tanks and helicopters)) is confronted by the Guardians: Bear-Boy, Invisible (in water) woman, Magneto (but with rocks), and super fast Mustafa Ali. All are portrayed by terrible actors and have zero emotions. In fact, the entire movie has no emotion. With a budget of the equivalent of about 5 and a half million dollars, it's clear they were doomed to fail. The effects are just the worst. When we have the misfortune of watching Bear-Boy (those aren't their real names in the film, just to be clear) transform (he only becomes "bear like" from the ribs up), it's a PS1 game. The CGI is always super obvious and super bad. There are other little things that show they were either incompetent or just not trying. Mustafa Ali has the ability to either move super fast or turn to dust and blink across distances (not entirely sure) and he uses really sharp and long swords. We watch him use his swords to cut a tank in half, right down the middle, however, they apparently can't cut people as any time he connects with a sword, the guy just flies away. There is never any dismemberment or even any blood. How can a sword cut through metal, but not flesh? Later we see the villain use his power to control a helicopter, but the helicopters don't move realistically. I'm no aeronotics expert, but I don't think a helicopter can hover in the air perpendicular to the ground. The physics of this movie are off all the time. When people are thrown across the room (which is 90% of every fight scene) they don't move like they should. Even though all of these things are terrible, the script is even worse. The plot is one giant cliche and the script sounds like it was written by a middle school student. Every line is stilted and awkward. It sucks. This movie sucks. It's not even fun in a "So bad, it's good" way, like I was hoping. There is a good reason I found this movie at the dollar store.