Hocus Pocus

I imagine most of the love for Hocus Pocus comes from people who re-watch it with nostalgia goggles. Even as a child of the 90's I had never seen Hocus Pocus and knew little of it, so I had no prior attachments to this film. If you have seen any of the Disney Channels terrible made for TV movies, Hocus Pocus is like a particularly bad one with some questionable language and sexual innuendo. The acting is really bad from the entire cast, which is a little surprising considering the witches (who I had always assumed you the heroes of the story, but are clearly not) are two D-List actresses (Bette Midler and Kathy Najimy) and a C-lister (Sarah Jessica Parker) who aren't exactly known for their acting abilities, but are actual professional actresses. The CG effects are bad, even considering this is a 1993 movie and the practical effects aren't even an honest effort. All of this could be forgiven if it was part of a fun, campy family movie, but Hocus Pocus can't even pull that off. The plot is lame and full of inconsistencies and just unreasonably unrealistic moments. The witches have been "dead" for 300 years, but will be brought back if a virgin lights the black flame candle. In 1990 a high school boy says multiple times publicly that he is a virgin. Let me just say that again, they think a high school boy would go around announcing himself to be a virgin repeatedly to his peers. This is a public high school in Massachusetts in the 90's, not a Mormon town or a private Catholic school. When the witches return, they have been gone for 300 years and don't even know what the paved road is, thinking it to be a river or what a bus is; they have no knowledge of any of the advances since the 1600's. Having established this, one of the witches flies up to the side of a car on their broom and asks him for his license and registration. So, they don't understand asphalt, but they know motorist jokes? The movie is littered with inconsistencies and a wild lack of understanding of how teenagers and children think and act. Even the three witches can't maintain a consistent character. Bette Midler is supposed to be the smart older sister, but she acts the most irrationally and whines like a child. Sarah Jessica Parker is a horny dumb blonde and Kathy Najimy is a mentally challenged woman who barks an talks out of the side of her mouth, but they are always the ones to reason and plan. Najimy is the worst, with her constantly swinging from offensively stupid the brains of the operation. This was an actual movie released in theaters. Had it been a cheap Disney Channel original, it would still be terrible, but excusable. As a real theatrical film, Hocus Pocus is embarrassing. Unless you grew up with this film, I can't imagine you getting much out of this. It's fairly unoffensive children's drivel, with some questionable language if that's all you need, but it's not a good film. It wasn't fun or interesting and it was probably best left in '93.

Jacob's Ladder

Don't watch any trailers or read anything about the plot; Jacob's Ladder is best experienced blind. While it seems to be spoken of as a horror, Jacob's Ladder is certainly unnerving, but much more of a thriller with a good deal of dramatic elements. The acting is great and Adrian Lyne does a great job of creating genuinely unsettling scenes. This is a film that expects you to watch it multiple times and dissect it, but I enjoyed it plenty without going High School English teacher and over-analyzing everything. If you are looking for a fun Halloween movie, this is not it.

Bad Times at the El Royale

I saw Bad Times at the El Royale after an hour long power-nap after an 8 hour overnight shift and never did my eyes close longer than absolutely necessary. Clocking in at about 2 hours and 20 minutes, El Royale goes by surprisingly fast and has great pacing. I had only seen the original trailer, so I had only the notion that some shit goes down at a neon themed hotel and I'm glad I didn't learn anything more before I saw it. Royale has some mysteries that come to unexpected ends and some legitimately shocking twists. The visuals were great and the soundtrack does a great job at juxtaposing opposite emotions in scenes. The entire cast was great, which is surprising because I hate it when John Hamm does accents, but every actor was stellar. The one issue I have it the wildly inconsistent tone. We whip from drama to action to melodrama to thriller to vague comedy and back to drama over and over again. With the constant flashbacks and change of focus, it each new scene did keep me on my toes unsure of what emotion the next scene was going to attack, but I got emotional whiplash from the constant tonal shifts. I was originally attracted to Royale because of its neon color palette and while the entire movie feels pretty "neon" it's a surprisingly dark movie. Bad Times at the El Royale is going to be one of those films that people will discover 3 or 4 years from now and really appreciate, but the severe lack of marketing is really depriving audiences of a great movie. There's some depth if your one of those that likes to pick apart and analyze everything, but its superficial level was more than enough for me.

The Others

Do yourself a favor and don't look at any plot summaries or read reviews with spoilers. The Others is a unique movie that goes in new directions ad delivers some real thrills. It's all well acted (except for one of the child actors) and the script is well written. Despite this, I have two big issues that stop me from giving The Others a perfect score. Firstly, this movie came out in 2001, but it looks so much older. This movie looks and is shot like it's from the early 90's. Maybe it's just a personal preference, but it looks like a vhs you'd have gotten from Blockbuster. The other issue was much more important. The Others is primarily a Ghost/Paranormal Horror movie, but the musical score often portrays it was a whimsical family movie. Scary ghost stuff is happening and the music is a light-hearted romp. Did they know what movie they were making? The tone is so confuse, or maybe I'm confused and someone spliced the horror into Downton Abby. They don't match and it's very jarring. The Others is a great new approach to the Ghost/Paranormal genre, there are some issues, but it's very enjoyable.

Hotel Artemis

Hotel Artemis really needed another hour to get to where it was going. Clocking in at only an hour and a half, Artemis is a lofty idea that we get a taste of, but nothing feels full and I really wanted more. The acting is great, the visuals and cinematography are beautiful, and the story has so much potential. I loved everything about the film, but it feels like a condensed story or a really long trailer; there is so much "meat left on the bone". There are some philosophical debates in the background and some personal moments breezed through and I could see how Hotel Artemis could have been a huge, epic movie and a dystopian series that continues through a few sequels, but everything was rush and nothing was given time to marinate and develop. For a movie that I only ever saw advertised as a trailer in theaters and never heard from again, Hotel Artemis is a fun movie that leaves you wanting more, but not in a good way, but like a tapeworm.

Moana

I don't know why I though Moana was a Pixar film, but the longer it went the more it became clear that it wasn't. Moana is a paint-by-numbers Disney film that is super predictable and where Pixar movies usually have a legitimate adult appeal, Moana is purely a children's film that hammers on its message until you roll over and accept that nothing more is coming. The humor doesn't even try to hit older audiences with everything being equivalent to a Nick Jr show. There is a running gag that there is a scrawny chicken that is stupid; it is constantly walking into the water and almost drowning or pecking at the ground or rocks next to food. Everything is just childish. We getting walking coconuts and ocean waves nodding in agreement. The songs are barely songs instead of exposition dumps. Really the only good thing would be the animation, which 90% of the time look great (although sometimes they make some unique choices with the water textures) but a few times it looks like they cut the frame rate or skimped on elements. Moana is an unaltered Disney moral movie for kids and nothing more. Disney has been doing fairly well making family movies and not kid's movies, but Moana lacks the sophistication and broad appeal that a Disney/Pixar movie would have had. Moana is no Toy Story, Moana is Elmo's World.

Hell House LLC

For a predictable found footage/faux documentary, Hell House is better than it needed to be. Hell House isn't great as a film, but as a horror movie for the average "insert current year" audience, Hell House ticks all the necessary boxes and provides the obligatory jump scares. What I can give Hell House credit for is the type of jump scares it uses. As one of those "Jump Scares are ruining Horror" ass-holes, Hell House is more than "scary thing pops out" and delivers expected, but creative surprises. I like how the found footage elements are woven into the faux doc story and the acting is much better than I expect from a straight to VOD horror movie. There is a level of mystery that unfortunately gets no resolution, which paired with a lame ending leaves Hell House ending on a sour note. For a Horror, Hell House leans heavily on creating a "scary" atmosphere and does so better than most similar films. There aren't many memorable scenes and Hell House doesn't really do anything new, but it's better than average and in today's market, that's admirable.

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th Part 2

Friday the 13th Part 2 is a definite improvement over the original, but the bar was set pretty low. The biggest improvement is easily in the acting. The acting isn't great, but it's at least passable for an 80's slasher and no one gets any character development and even though I just finished the movie a few minutes ago, I can't remember anyone's name. The plot is minimal, taking place five year after the first at a counselor training camp near Camp Crystal Lake and, of course, things get bloody. The plot is unimportant, as we really come for the gore and kills and here lies the problem. Part 2 often feels like it's edited for TV because often the camera cuts away before contact is made with the weapon. We see a knife go towards someone, but 2 inches away, the shot changes and we miss everything. When we to actually see the kills, they are underwhelming. Friday the 13th was still finding its feet, so I can excuse some of it, but a slasher needs some slashing. Disappointing.

Friday the 13th Part 2

Friday the 13th Part 2 is a definite improvement over the original, but the bar was set pretty low. The biggest improvement is easily in the acting. The acting isn't great, but it's at least passable for an 80's slasher and no one gets any character development and even though I just finished the movie a few minutes ago, I can't remember anyone's name. The plot is minimal, taking place five year after the first at a counselor training camp near Camp Crystal Lake and, of course, things get bloody. The plot is unimportant, as we really come for the gore and kills and here lies the problem. Part 2 often feels like it's edited for TV because often the camera cuts away before contact is made with the weapon. We see a knife go towards someone, but 2 inches away, the shot changes and we miss everything. When we to actually see the kills, they are underwhelming. Friday the 13th was still finding its feet, so I can excuse some of it, but a slasher needs some slashing. Disappointing.